Friday, January 27, 2006

Many Ways to tell if Your Spouse is Cheating

Came across this article in DallasNews

You're reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

So, how can you be so sure they are – or aren't?

Look to the signs

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs, they'll point you to the answer.
You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out for a private detective. You can also invest in the newest high-tech products – computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them – in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says his company is marketing a home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate's clothing. Protein and enzyme formulas in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you've collected to a laboratory. The kit costs $79.95 (1-877-362-9900 or http://www.trutestinc.com/). Sending specimens for DNA testing will cost at least $500.

Suspicious spouses also are now using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates' whereabouts.

Cellphones that capture video can do the same thing, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

To Ruth Houston, the New York author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won't tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they're doing or with whom. Spyware on your computer will tell you the content of the e-mails, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.
"You don't need a lot of gadgets," says Ms. Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her. She lists some signals to watch for at www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar) and overlook the subtle clues, Ms. Houston says. For instance, if your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, such as volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills, maybe he or she doesn't want you to see where the money is going.

Having THE talk

Don't confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof.
Even with that, some cheaters will never admit betrayal, says Mark A. Barondess, a Los Angeles attorney and author of the new book What Were You Thinking??: $600-Per-Hour Legal Advice on Relationships, Marriage & Divorce (Phoenix, $25.95).

"They could be having sex right in front of their spouse and tell them, 'It wasn't me,' " he says. "People will do and say anything they possibly can to avoid admitting they were caught cheating."

By PAT BURSON / Newsday
DallasNews

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

It has been a hectic month for me travelling so, I don't have time to update this blog every week. My work should be able to settle down in Feb.

If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to discover details of the affair, these articles are for you.

The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out exactly what is happening between your partner and the other person, is commonly very strong, especially at disclosure of the affair or prior to that when you sense that something is off kilter.

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful.

Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach.
Click here to learn how to catch a cheating spouse

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