Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair ?
The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with. The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be "surface level" only at first. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the real cause of the affair and what to do about it.
People in marriages don't often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn't think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the "open" side. For the rest of the married crowd who don't subscribe to an "open" marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.
Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair, especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important things :
Extramarital Affair Item 1:Why did the extramarital affair happen?
Extramarital Affair Item 2 :Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the first place?
If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in the healing process. If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place.
If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won't have a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.
After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...either decide in your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you're both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn't have prior to the extramarital affair...togetherness.
So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair?No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how 'detective-like' you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth.
Of course, it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don't define and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to address that reason or reasons, your marriage won't ever be healthy again and you'll never be able to healthily survive the extramarital affair.
© Karl Augustine, 2004 "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce" extramarital affair deciding on divorce
1 Comments:
My husband of almost 2 years, had an affair on me and as a result the other woman is pregnant. He revealed his infidelity the day after my 29th birtday, and has not been able to explain to me why he did this.
My husband left me last year 2 months before our 1 year anniversary, and we stayed apart for 6 or 7 months, the whole time, it was him saying he did not want to be married, that he was not as ready as he thought he was, and it was his fault because he pushed and pushed until we married. Even before the separation he was conducting himself in a way that was inappropriate for a married man, looking at internet pornography, chatting online late at night with other females, and even conversating with them on our house phone when I would go to bed.
Well just before Thanksgiving last year he decided, he loved me and wanted to be married, and he was ready to commit to me fully (only after I advised him I had spoke with a lawyer and a divore would cost in the low thousands). Anyways, long story short we reconciled and were working on restoring our marriage to what it originally should have been. Then as I stated above one day after my 29th birthday, he tells me he had an affair while we were separated, and this woman is pregnant (but he's gonna have a DNA test to make sure it is his).
There was nothing that I did not do for my husband, I cooked, cleaned, kept myself only unto him. I was a virgin when we married and I am so hurt now that I waited and married him and gave something so precious to a man how did not have enough respect for me to not cheat, no matter if we were separated or not. He will clearly say that it was nothing that I did, so finding out why he did this and discussing it....is not relevant, because he did it because he was selfish. Now he wants me to live with his mistake, and a child. We don't even have children together, how do you repair or save a marriage a 2nd time around.
His parents are just as upset about this, and cannot understand why he would do this. We have all asked do you want this marriage, and he simply says "yes" I think that he is afraid to say no, for fear of what God will do to him, for trespassing against his commandments, and for lying and using me and this other woman. I don't feel sorry for her, because if I can believe him, she knew he was married.
Anyways, I say that to say this...I don't know if a person can save a marriage if the other person has hurt them in this way. If they are like me they are thinking revenge! Something that would hurt the person who cheated so much....like sleeping with all of his/her co-workers, or getting pregnant with another mans child and pushing it off as his....REVENGE.
If you believe in God like I do, then you have to believe that you don't have to seek revenge, God will punish the wrong-doer much worst than you could, and you will still be righteous.
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